A Path to Myself

RP LOG.

2011-10-02T21:00:00.002-04:00

This is a log of some RP I did at one of the Mush games I play at. I am Sunny. The other two people Riley and Lilith are friends of mine who were 'watching' Sunny's TV show from their respective homes. Enjoy! :

Lilith is sitting at home in the common room of the bordello she lives in. Girls come and go, but the morning tv show slot is pretty much the dead time - no customers, just girls on their way out to shop or on their way here after a very long night. She has a comp book open and is writing another page of her epic poem "Zombie Apocalypse", written in ancient Greek in trochaic hexameter - it's essentially an expansion and reworking of the Iliad, set in a modern Toronto beset by an army of the dead - Greeks as undead vampires and zombies, Trojans as humans.

Lilith of course has the common room TV on, it's a 55 inch flatscreen. At (8 am? 9 am?) it autotunes to...

The music that started at the beginning of Sunny's show was unique. The pictures? Fantasticly creative. It started, with a girl in bed- Sunny, waking up and stretching. "Good morning!" she called, to everyone out there on the otherside of the TV world. Sunny, in her character, was dressed much like one might expect a child to be dressed in bed. A long night-gown with little kitties and puppies on it. It really didn't show much off, it was just a night gown. "Its so good to see you! Mr. Sun! We just said good night to Mr. Night-time! And now a brand new day has begun. I think, its time to have some fun!" The woman gets out of bed and she goes to brush her teeth- her hair. Into a 'shower'. She reappears, spins and the 'cartoon' version of Sunny is there a moment. Puppets start to appear- singing along to the themesong as they go. "Its A brand new day, and a beautiful one it is! SO much beauty and love to be found wherever we is! There's Lacey! And Banjo! And Jitterbug too!" A Dinosaur puppet, A Monkey Puppet and a Spider puppet (wearing tap-shoes of course) appears as she sings- each dancing around as Sunny jumps again from animated self to real self. "And hey! There you are, there's also a You!" she beams to the television- pointing at the audience, and she waves her hand over her shoulder. "Come on! Lets have a beautiful Day!"

Riley sits nowhere near there, in a single room dorm on UoT campus. She's beat. Work. Work. Work. Still in her work shirt, a pair of boxers and bunny slippers the color of a pair of dobermans on her feet.

In her room, Lilith looks up when the bright and creative music plays. She frowns, it's jarring to someone raised on Front 242 and Bauhaus, but she can't help smiling when she seens Sunny, her polar opposite. The Anti-Goth. It's fascinating somehow, and she chews on her pencil as she watches.

As the themesong comes to a close, Sunny is running into her 'house'. Sunny's Place! Its a neat house, really. A lot of couches and instruments. Paintings, both classical and done by Sunny herself sit side by side. Some of the 'classics, masterpieces, have been /gasp/ drawn on. The major aspect of the subject remains respectfully untouched- but the Mona Lisa? She's smiling because there is a rainbow behind her. The Blue boy? Well, he's got a maharishi band behind him! She's got a beaming smile as she starts her day, the same way every day. With a big breath and a loud sigh. "Good morning!" she calls to the audience- children being heard as some call out in return. Her Audience is there, in the studio always- children who play on the show in costumes or just as people she meets in her travels through the house-land! "Its a beautiful day, don't you think? I think so. I mean, its winter outside." The camera pans to the window- Snow and ice! "But that means we can build snowmen. And then we can have a snowman parade! Lets go celebrate winter!"

Lilith calls back, "Good morning!" then covers her mouth and looks around. No one seems to have noticed, and she scooches her chair a little closer to the big TV screen, grabs the remote, and fumbles with it for a few seconds before successfully turning up the sound.

Riley smiles at Sunny's opening, though she shakes her head a little. "You first. Too cold for this bunny," she murmurs to the TV. You know, because Sunny will be able to hear her and all.

And outside Sunny romps, but is stopped! By who? Lacey of course! The huge muppet is clearly some large person in a suit. "Wait a minute Sunny! You can't go out like /that/!" She looks down at herself, she's dressed in 'house clothes' a sundress that would fit a young girl- just adult sized! Its very modest, of course. Her shoes, one might notice, are the same. Shiny glittery mary-janes. "Well. Why not, Lacey?!" The Tea-Rex, all covered in doilies (They seem to be different every show) shakes his head. "Because its /cold/. You could get sick! Or Frostbite! Or a Yeti could think you were an icicle and try to lick you!" Lacey- the Tea-Rex, (A boy tea-rex, thankyouverymuch) Also wears a sundress. Its almost identical to Sunny's. Just in yellow, where as Sunny's is blue! "But you're dressed the same way!" She says, with hands going to her hips as she gives a bit of a pout. "Yes, but I'm a Tea-Rex. And we're tea-warm-blooded." Sunny makes a face, a kind of sceptical one, before looking to the audience, "Do you guys think I should dress warm before I go outside?" She wonders of all her friends out there. There's a pause, before the children answer- giving people in TV land time to respond. 'YES! Wear something warm, Sunny!'

Lilith licks her upper lip when the Tea-Rex mentions people trying to lick Sunny. But not in a lascivious way, in an 'imagining Sunny as a popsicle' way.

Lilith whispers, "Wear something cold.... turn bone white..."

Lacey is nodding. "See. I'm not the only one. All your friends don't want you to get sick either!" And still, Sunny's face turns a little and she beams brightly. "THanks!" She offers to the audience. "Its /really/ great to know when someone cares about you! Even if its not always fun." she grumps- but off she goes to get dressed in her winter clothes. Singing a song as she does. Boots and a coat and a pair of warm pants. And out she goes into the snow, where already Snowmen have been set up! They're dancing in a circle- though, one little snowman is off to the side. Most of the snowmen have smiling faces, and noses made of various fruit and vegetables. One is a tomato, the other a potato. The carrot makes a showing as does a stalk of celery. The snowman in the corner frowns, though- his nose a limp bit of rhubarb. Sunny begins- like most kids would- to laugh and play and dance with the happy snowmen. They sing a song- its a song about winter, playing in the snow. But, Sunny stops, after a moment- the song still going on, without her voice.. And she approaches the other snowman. The sad and lonely one. "Hey, Rhuby.. What's the matter?" She wonders, as if she knew the snowman personally! It makes sense to a kid, everyone on the show is Sunny's friend, somehow! Even the people who don't start off that way.

Lilith watches the show, completely absorbed. She seems concerned somehow, even a little frightened.

"Well..." Rhuby begins, nose drooping. Its a She-SnowMan. That much is obvious by the voice. "I'm not very good at dancing. And I'm not very good at singing, and I'm /really/ worried that the other snowpeople will make fun of me." She laments, "I just.. I'm worried I'm doing it wrong, Sunny." A hug, is the first response from Sunny to the poor, sad snowman. "Its okay to not feel like you can do something, Rhuby. And its okay not to be good at it too! Not everyone can be the best at everything." she says, with a little nod. "That's why I ask for help on my homework." She nods again, "You're really good at Snow-Angels! And.. you know what. It doesn't /matter/ what those people think about your singing and dancing, even if they /are/ your friends. Your friends love you not matter who you are. That's what makes them friends. They answer what you need. In here." she taps the Snowperson's heart. "Anyways, you know that I think if you sing and you dance and you're having fun, even if you're not good at it, you're doing it right! Singing and dancing is about fun! Its not about being /good/." she waves her hand, but Rhuby is quick to interject! Why? Because Sunny /IS/ good at those things. "But, you're great at those things- you're just saying that to make me feel better." And Sunny shrugs at that. "So?" As if that was no crime whatsoever. "What if I /am/." Hands on her hips. The Sunny character just giving a bit of a look! "I'm saying it, because I /want/ you to feel better, and to come and have some fun with us! Come on, Rhuby! I know its hard, sometimes when you're sad to give it up. Its /really/ comfortable when you're sad. How can you stop being sad, when you don't know something else. And its /not/ bad to be sad, its really okay!" She's singing soon enough, someone handing her a Ukulele from right off stage. "Thanks, Hans!" To the large yellow hand that is a 'Helping Hand'. "Sometimes, you're gloomy! And everything is droopy. And all you want to do is sigh and crrrrry! And next thing you know is, you're tears of snow are flowin' and never will your eyes of coal be drrryy! But you can't be happy, unless you've been sad. The deeper you dig down the more room you've got to be glad! So don't worry my flurry friend, because right around the bend. Your happier times will be there again! And all the lights will be brighter than before, but you'll never know unless you let sadness through the door!"

Tears roll down Lilith's cheeks as she watches the scene, and she laughs and cries at the same time. At the end of the song, she's clapping.

(Minor edits made for log flow. Hope you don't mind, Lilith!)

Hiding

2011-07-20T17:11:00.002-04:00

I've been hiding a long time,

I've been hiding a real long time.

I've been hiding a long time,

I've been hiding a real long time.

And the shadows of my soul

Just keep getting longer

And the time to stand in the sun

Just keeps getting closer.

My heart open to all that light

Deathless and courageous.

And I will be dangerous.

Because

I've been hiding too long.

I've been hiding a real long time.

Sleepless

2011-04-01T17:53:00.001-04:00

Sleep is so very nice when you really want it.
Sometimes, however, you can't.
Elusive, the sandman, hides just out of sight.
And smiles as you pine for his touch.

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Pastlife Memories

2011-03-12T16:09:00.001-05:00

My apartment breathes the sweet air of Eilat.
The sea and desert.
Meeting and becoming the other.
Outside life sings
Seawave crashes. Wind hushabyes.
As I prepare for my dreamtime
My Past Live's memories.

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Her eyes are green and I love her.

2011-02-09T15:29:00.001-05:00

You are a stranger.
A persona I do not /know/.
Frightening alien beauty.

What terrible genius
Distilled you?

What mad scribe
Codified you?

How is it?
How do I?
Recognize you Stanger?

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Kilroy, too, was at the wall.

2011-01-13T01:48:00.001-05:00

A note requested by someone I met online. This one is for you Nuku!

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Character Desc

2010-12-18T09:14:00.001-05:00

A description I wrote for a character I play:

This woman is wearing a mask of feathers- each arrayed outward in a brilliant rainbow of colors. The feathers are long things, and all natural- from who knows how many birds. She wears a peacock feather in the middle- rising up like a kind of lovely iridescent beam. The nose of the mask is a touch long- holes opening wide to show her expressive brown eyes and dark, upswept lashes. Kind things, shining. One can see the red-orange makeup around her eyes. Giving them a bright warmth. The bottom of her face is seen- lips plush, expressive and carefully painted with rainbow lipstick. Over her head and shoulders she wears a kind of 'golden' chain mail, clearly costume-wear in its lightness. It rings with movement, musical in its own way. One can see her hair, dark, under the rings. Shining black with tinges of natural mahogany.

The woman has slightest shoulders, the mail from above draped over each. They largely hide what appears to be a pair of suspenders which holds up the rest of her costume: A rather cartoonish, Muppet-style dinosaur, which she is 'riding' on top of. The dinosaur itself looks fairly professional, made of felt and covered in the same rainbow feathers as the mask above. It, too, has rather expressive eyes (For a puppet), and appears to be able to articulate along its long 'neck'. Its mouth opens and closes, and it can also turn its head. The tail isn't that long- the puppet/costume is clearly designed to be danced and played in. Below, The woman's legs have been covered in rainbow feathers, and for shoes, it appears she is wearing 'lizard feet'.

More Ideas

2010-12-02T03:09:00.001-05:00

I find my mind moved to the religion of the little world I'm creating. I see it being very important for character motivation. This will be very important for the 'fiends'. They believe each of themselves contains a very real 'divine essence' from an ancient God destroyed for his hubris in attacking the allfather, a creator and primordial urge that made the universe.

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Ideas.

2010-11-22T10:28:00.002-05:00

I recently had a dream. It was everything I tend to love. High fantasy. It took place on the edge of a lake. There was a half-Troll. Somehow, I knew this wasn't a Tolkien-esque or DnD troll. I felt that, in this world, Trolls were like the elves of other fantasy worlds. They were reclusive, and beautiful. Wise, but horribly xenophobic. The idea of a half-blood, it would sicken them. But, for some reason, half-bloods in this world have abilities. Magic, or powers- things the 'pure bloods' can't do. Halfbloods of all stripes are hated by everyone, except a particular group. The only group that /can't/ breed with the other races. They're called Fiends, or Demonkin- the descendants of an evil that once stalked the land. Demons, really- pretty run of the mill there. As I woke up, I was almost still dreaming. The ideas kept coming. Humans were split into two groups, those who were 'Pure' and those who were not. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. So. I'll figure it out.

Dream-Walking

2010-09-19T20:35:00.003-04:00

The moths dance widdershin

Moontide muse

Beauteous flutterbeat

Half-light praise to her

The theft of sleep

Wakeful dreams so wonderful

Desirable eyes open

Haunting my heart

How is it such warmth

In the cool and night

The shivering stars

Unheard songs

Be still the spark, my heart

Rage not, but build

Crescendo

Under Moontide Muse

Explanation on 'Star Dust Glisteneers'

2010-09-16T12:01:00.005-04:00

I'm not entirely sure what that poem is about. Those words spoke to me at that moment. I have met someone who I like very much. Just an amazing person. Beautiful in soul and humor and mind and in every other way as well- I just find a beautiful, humorous soul and an intelligent mind to be the most important things I can personally desire for anyone I'd want as my very best friend. And, for some reason I can't pull up the courage to tell her that while I hope our relationship continues to develop to the point where we'd be 'Boyfriend and Girlfriend', I still think I make a horrible boyfriend. And that, I think, while I want that- I also want something like my other half. My soul's counterpoint recognized in another. Someone who is more than a 'Girlfriend'. Its not enough to say: I'd love for you to be my Girlfriend (And I would, mind you. I want that very much to happen, because she's amazing.) Because, to me, that feels like not what I want. I want her to be the best friend I could ever have. Someone who'd always be there for me, and who I'd always be there for. Can't be a best friend without going both ways. And I find myself excited by the prospect of possibly being just that to her as well.

And its the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced.

You know who you are. If you read this, I pray it doesn't make you think I'm any more crazy than you already know me to be. But, then again, I'd understand if you think it sounds a little creepy or what have you. Either way, its out-there now.

Star Dust Glisteneers

2010-09-16T11:51:00.004-04:00

The stars crack

Drop dust, shimmering silver silhouettes

And we dance.

The world shook

Geysers erupt, mist glistening skin

And we sing.

The trees whisper

Shivering soul, breath after coma

And I awake.

A Path to Myself

2010-03-15T14:45:00.001-04:00

Without permanence

There is not a path to take

Washed away

The path appears

Brothers.

2010-03-11T07:29:00.000-05:00

Another brother lays in the dust and sleeps so deep.
You'll never wake him, Mother, not even tears will wake him.
Take handfuls of dirt and cover what you can.
Pile rocks to hide him from the beasts of the wild.
Cover it with plants so his body might nourish the earth.
And his dreams let the flowers bloom.

Rain

2009-12-19T05:16:00.004-05:00

What is the chance that I would collapse and fold into nothing
The black-hole soul-scape one might become far from home
Where is home, though, I wonder- I never seem to see it
How long does my exile last, my personal diaspora?
Am I flung to the winds, and carried by chaotic systems?
Am I to never settle and forever thin among the clouds?
Perhaps one day I'll fall like rain to the earth,
And nourish.

Bones

2009-10-05T13:35:00.000-04:00

Shadows take their toll and I collapse
The broke glass wind is singing
The cheery tiny bell-like laugh
Of a dark-fed monster grinning.

Dagger tongue, tear the flesh
The glass wind wraps around my neck
I feel the skin slough off my face
And my heart stops beating.

In the Place between places I never Wakeup
The sleep of no dreaming
"I am not my body," screams the mind
No More, am I, that twisted flesh
But dead-bones dance atop my grave.

Stars

2008-10-20T06:44:00.002-04:00

It is overwhelming, that vast gulf of emptiness between a thousand points of light. And, it is not a blackness, but the color of mourning. A deep blue that borders on the black- overcomes the black- to be a deeper, darker color. And, how deep? Deeper than the Ocean? I know not, but can only hope that it is deeper than the depths of my soul. There are times, My precious Lady, when my smiles are just a memory on my face and no true reflection of myself and I pray to all the Gods in the heavens above that deepness, that dark and mourning color, is not a pale reflection of myself. And, even now, I fear those prayers will all be answered against my deepest hope. That yes, I am so hollow as the sky, with nothing and no one to fill it with me. Even this kind of feeling would be better with another. Even if miserable and dead inside, it would be with another who knows.

Too Long

2008-10-14T06:20:00.000-04:00

Too long has it been since I last wrote here. A promise I broke to myself, that I would post once a week. I forgot you, layed you to the side- the path forgotten for meadows. That is often the way of a forgotten path, but its there when you go back. Sorry, so sorry, that I have missed you and lost you- left you to the side.

Men in Cages

2008-04-16T10:36:00.000-04:00

Caged like animals, men get a certain look. Pacing back and forth in concrete lined boxes. In beds that are little more than planes of steel with a bit of foam on top. Its a strange thing, to see and experience it- even if from the other side. If it were I, I would run the sink night and day, I think. The sound of rushing water to calm myself- to focus on while all grew quiet and still. Painfully still in my tiny box. Nothing to do but pace.

A better me.

2008-03-11T12:16:00.000-04:00

We all get lost at times, forget where we are. One thing I always try to remember is the fact that there is a something out there greater than myself. I won't go to name it- but whatever it is, it likes me. Everything works out for me. Every experience seems to be there for me to lay back and learn and become a better person.

Damn Cows

2008-02-09T00:03:00.000-05:00

There is a place that flowers go
When the lights are off
When the moon is low
Closed and in dreams
My hopes aloft
Dashed by cows
Moo & Munch

Light Also.

2008-02-01T23:32:00.000-05:00

At times it seems that sadness is eternal.
Light, also.

Rising Tumult

2008-01-23T23:13:00.000-05:00

A soft hiss, a whisper. Unseen, hardly heard- a barely audible scream.
A slow build to a rising tumult. Growing now, into loudness and light.
Ascending to transcendent melodies the noise becomes a rhythm.
Birds chirp, sing a song of new praise for a long lost love.

Welcome Back, Oh Sun! Forever has it been since we heard your song.
Welcome Back, Oh Sky! Journey forever in azure.
Welcome Back, Oh Song!

Darkness creeps, night falls and stars exhume.
Though cold, and quiet, the cacophony of darkness is there.
Quiet cacophonic symphony.
Whispered Secrets.

An Eventual End

2008-01-20T03:26:00.000-05:00

It is strange how often my passion and my pain are one in the same.
My Addiction kills slowly and the overdose is one of eventual failure.
Heart. Liver. Kidneys, all might fail. Too much joy in the blood to clog and clot.
Then, there is the hate which spirals from the top to bottom and is rocketed up again by some unseen and unknown force. Like a yo-yo, or a bounced ball. Up and down, violently and without true control over myself. It is a failure of another sort.

And there is more that I do, but among these failures is often a need for a betterment of the self. Every small victory celebrated, and it must or I will be unable to cope with life. There is a time in which I think I might explode. I don't know why I don't stop- say to myself, I no longer hunger. It seems an almost impossible thing for me to do at times and that is perhaps the most annoying aspect of all of this.

'One Step Back, I remain removed from myself. Watching as I do so many things which bring an eventual tide of shame. There is no moment but now- and I am unable to effect it. It is just out of my reach, no course to smack away those things that kill me. Emotionally or Physically.'

The Light In Me

2008-01-13T01:58:00.000-05:00

The light in me recognizes the light in you. Also, the darkness.
For I can not see in you what I have not seen in myself.
Your joys are echoes of my joy. Your pains echoes of my pain.
You faults are mine, magnified by the lens of my own eyes.
Verily, without my faults it would be impossible to see them in others-
Because we are all wrought from the same divine image.

In the firing of the Sacred Clay we were all burned. Damaged.
And the world we live in is broken-
The Meaning of Life is to heal the world.
The Meaning of Life is to fix yourself- to repair the damage.

Seriously, I'm telling the truth!

2008-01-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

Truth is something I will never know. Absolute Truth, distilled to its finest property is the stuff of divinity. The best I'll ever get is 'I swear. I'm being really, really honest!'

Consuming One's Self

2007-12-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

My boredom consumed my hunger a long time ago, allowing it to become an emotional escape. Not just boredom, though. In equal parts pain and stress, humiliation and depression got a slice of hunger pie- and each demands more when they are in control. I'm not sure how I can do anything to stop myself. Part of me, says that if I want to- I could stop all at once. Go cold turkey. I'm not sure I could because I'm pretty sure I have an addiction of sorts.

Some people say that heroine or cocaine are the most addictive drugs around. I'd disagree. I'd say food addiction is the most serious problem we have in America. Supermarkets don't stock the shelves with Heroine. I could go anywhere and get food- and its unregulated. I sit here, getting fatter and growing more unhappy with how I look. So I eat more. Its really, really vicious. And certainly unhealthy.

I overeat on a regular basis. I make myself sick, I eat so much- just cramming food down my throat. And sometimes I hate myself for it.

Dreams Die

2007-12-07T00:08:00.000-05:00

Drooping Eyelids
Dreams Die
When I Awake

Dressed Demurely

2007-11-28T00:40:00.000-05:00

Raindrops drip deep
Paths of light arch and shine
And still I can never know myself.

Furrows in the soul
Sadness took its toll
Filled now with the joyful rain

Blinding radiant
Without self
Nothing but light

The addition of spirit
Like a splinter
Brings pain, but life.

Without the two
Death walks
Dressed demurely in Flesh.

Breath

2007-11-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

Breath is simple. Breathing not so.
Like so many dreams.
Being easier than doing.

Has it always been the case?
I think so.
Perhaps later, we will know.

Contrast

2007-11-14T01:27:00.000-05:00

At times shattered dreams must give me pause;
Hallowed darkness the light shines so easily through cracks;
Broken, unable to reassemble on their own;
Perhaps that is my place?

Lost, in a hole forgotten;
Always hope, even in shattered dreams;
A brightness, reflected on pieces underfoot;
A light shines brighter in contrast.

All It Takes

2007-11-01T00:38:00.000-04:00

A moment in time, trapped for a split second.
Eyes meeting in between letters of spoken words.

That is all it takes to know of silence,
That is all it takes to know of love,
Words alone can not describe,
The feeling of another's smile.

VICTOLY

2007-10-23T05:10:00.000-04:00

I'm special in the fact I can remember the exact moment my life turned around and went to crap. It happened quickly, depression setting in like a train wreck to slaughter the unsuspecting cows of my consciousness. It was a mess, beef was everywhere. And its taken years to clean up. I'm 24 now, and I was 17 then. Six years, over half a decade to rebuild to where I am now- and I'm not sure I'm at the same level of ability now that I was then.

You know, I'm not honestly sure where I was going with this- but I do know that I'm happy with who I am now. That's a victory, certainly.

Life in the Third Person

2007-10-10T00:14:00.000-04:00

I didn't think I'd be where I am. As I look back and reflect on things, I wonder where I went wrong or right. When I was very young- I never even thought of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to do everything. As I grew older, I wanted to do the whole 'Fireman/Doctor/Laser Technician/lawyer thing.' I wanted to be all of that and more.

I got older though. I remember when I started high school- I wanted to be a performer. A singer. I even went to a high-school I had to audition for. Tried out, and made it, and became a vocal artist. I've performed in some of the same places as The Three Tenors. I used to sing- and was part of a great choir. Had a great teacher, David Norris. A good man, who was always an advocate for me- I think he really understood me in a lot of ways. I'm a better person for having him as a teacher. Then, came seventeen.

Seventeen. It was a hard year for me- it was not, however, my worse year. It was, however, the year I spent dead. I was dead, in hospitals. Spirit of dust and ashes. I still feel dead from this, and I'm not sure I'll ever feel the way I felt before I got so depressed. I tried to tell myself it was hormones and all in my brain- but I'm to spiritual to not think a part of me died.

Dead, my Self. Self, all gone- how can one live without Self. I somehow, did it- and through that time I wanted to do nothing. I was a zombie for years. I still find myself falling into those places sometimes, to places of dark shadows.

Those Shadow places are impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been dead, spiritually. It was my life, but I was two steps to the left- watching it. Impassive. Life in the Third Person. Medicine made that worse. I would watch myself walk through life. Doing all the motions and getting little joy. Even now, its so hard for me to even write about things. It gives me a head-ache. Like I'm dealing with something dark. I used to be able to write such beautiful things, too.

I can't sleep. I just think. All the time, all the world's complications pouring through my head. Will she like me tomorrow, will I find someone for me? Work. Ugh, Work. Friends, Family, Bills, Money- depression. The Ghosts of happiness mocking me as I escape into a world of my head. Dungeons and Dragons, Mushing. All worlds I create in myself. I spend hours, every day, doing that. And I wonder if its getting to be a problem.

Back to the point: At 24, I didn't think I'd have my own apartment- I thought I might be getting out of school, with my PHD. I need some ideas for school: What do you think I should do, anyways?

What More to Say?

2007-10-03T22:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes my soul shivers in the cold light that shines down from the fixtures of my place of work. The shadows are almost non-existent. Like some weird, over-scienced place that's only half thought out. I wish I could wear a hat all day, to guard my eyes from that so-dark-light. To forget the world, and know only parting for a half moment. I want to collapse. And lie in two arms, soft and loving. A mother, a brother, a sister or a lover.

I'm not sure I'll heal from this. I'm not going to change my mind, and I think I'll feel better in the sunlight. I hope no one stops me, if I want to go and improve myself. To collapse, and lie in two arms. Two arms, soft and loving. Warm, their embrace- taking me from such a dark place to lay in the sun.

In the sun, I can only feel warmth- even when the air is cold around me. I see the light, and feel it deep behind my eyes. Could I look at the sun and know peace, I would- even if blindness would be my price. And still, I want to collapse.

A Month ....

2007-09-27T17:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, you get so caught up inside yourself that you don't realize all this time has passed you by. Its a defense mechanism, I think. To just forget where you are, and close up inside yourself. Tunnel-vision through the end of the month and be surprised when its over. My whole month is over. And, its surprising and a little annoying- and I'm still looking for something better.

One Night to Last Forever

2007-09-10T02:34:00.000-04:00

I've grown used to trying to prolong Sunday night for as much as I can, until I'm exhausted and hate the idea of going into work on Monday. Its awful. I stay awake until three or four, and sleep for at best four hours. I stumble into work, groggy and unhappy. Unhappiness is the very reason I try to prolong the night anyways. I want it to last. I want to be awake for it and not unawares of the passing of time. Its really time to move on- when such silly things as a bit of happiness and fun can make me want to miss work all together. Even now, I'm thinking about calling out sick.

God Moves Through You

2007-08-21T00:48:00.000-04:00

"They say to me in their awakening, "You and the world you live in are but a grain of sand upon the infinite shore of an infinite sea."
And in my dream I say to them, "I am the infinite sea, and all worlds are but grains of sand upon my shore.""-Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam.

In dreams, I have often found so much more joy then in my waking life. There was a time I thought to sleep the rest of my life, and to dream daily how I wanted things to be. To make my waking life the nightmare, and my dreams the reality of me. Part of me still wants this, a sad and lonely part of me that knows in dreams I control everything, remember everything. Its strange, to remember dreams. To control and have lucidity. Its often times a blessing, but sometimes a curse. Aware, in my nightmares, a lack of control- nothing, no waking. SO close to life but knowing I am dead to all who see me. I can not cry out, legs and arms and lips all frozen by sleep. Then, my lucidity is damning. And my nightmare-reality becomes the dream of enjoyment it should have always been.

Constantly Reborn

2007-08-19T16:38:00.000-04:00

I find dreams and sleep to be interesting. At night, we fall into a coma like state for a few hours and experience vivid hallucinations. This is considered normal, and no one seems to think its odd. We die, every night and we dance among the stars. We play and love those things, and then wake up- reborn in the morning. Renewed. And in this new day, we're alive again. A new life.

Away from the Path

2007-08-16T03:04:00.000-04:00

I've found myself writing about things that I didn't originally intend to write about- making this more of a journal than my original vision to tell people my personal views on spiritualism. At least, that's what I thought as I started this post. I began to think: Is not my personal experience the very meat of my spiritual view.

Does not the river of experience and time constantly shape my soul as it erodes over it? It makes my infant soul smaller, these experiences- letting the whole river soon be filled with the essence of myself. Then, my soul is the river- long and going on forever. Stretching from the mountains, where it springs to the ocean where it becomes one with a thousand other rivers. Part of the everyoneworld we all belong to. The pain I feel now is just that erosion of my infant soul- the undeveloped part of me being torn away by the torrent of life. Its harsh now, as snow has melted far above- releasing the grit which makes my life so rough right now. Soon, I will become more than I am now though. I am sure, that there is not much more roughness before I am polished smooth, and I fill the entire river.

An Odd Reformation

2007-08-06T21:47:00.000-04:00

Its weird, I'll wake up one day and feel like crap. Today, I feel different. Like I can change things- and I feel like it'll be hard but maybe I can do it. Perhaps when I decided to best use my time to make myself healthy. When I got so unhappy with who I am, where I am- that I can't help but change things. I'm at the point where I'm only working hard enough at work to not be fired, I think. I mean- I'm doing my job as a driver, and not a whole lot more. I want to finish my brakes tomorrow, though. And just be done with the job. Its hard to finish a job when you've done it four times, and had to do it again each time- it breaks you up a little inside.

All that aside, I got to thinking about reformation- transformation, and generally changing. Nothing is permanent, and the best and sweetest things are impermanent. Love, lasts so long and can certainly bring a person to the heights of heaven- but when together with another, you die. And after that death, you are reborn with a little bit of them inside you- new for the transformation of love.

Continuance of Life

2007-08-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

Life must go on. I've heard people say that a lot, more than once. I hear it a lot, actually. Do what you need to do to get by. Take care of yourself first. But, this Continuance- how is it possible to continue with what is best for me and not offend those who've done so much for me? Is it? I'm not sure it is, anymore. I need to move on. This part of the path is well trod, and to move onward will bring me to new and sunny pastures, filled with new dreams and happiness. I'm starting to wonder if any part of my path will be in one place, as I seem to move on after a year or so from anything. I still don't feel like I'm... right. Complete. I feel empty and need to find a meaning for myself, I think. So far, its like walking through a fog where I can't see anything- Sure, I'm moving. And I feel like I'm moving, but only the moving of my legs tells me I'm moving. I could be on a treadmill and not know a damn thing. And I feel that way now. It really sucks something awful, actually.

My update for me: Still not able to save money. Horribly depressed as of late- ate too much food as a result. Just hard shit for me. I need to do something healthy for me. Well, time to get to bed. One more day won't kill me in this place. And it is a comfortable camp.

A Theft of Spirit

2007-07-30T23:57:00.000-04:00

There is no crime worse than the theft of spirit. And I feel like that is happening to me over where I work. I work really hard, and invest a lot of time and energy into something that has given me nothing back. No chance for a raise. No chance for advancement. Promises given by someone who can't really do much about things. And...it kills me inside. Do I continue, because I enjoy the people I work with, I enjoy the atmosphere. At the same time, I wish people would just leave me alone and let me get done what I need to get done.

In a way, I was lied to about the job. The job was for a 'driver'. I do very little actual driving. I spend a lot more time on the sales floor, being a salesperson. I do not make commission. I make 8$ an hour, and someone tries to tell me that is like making 13$ an hour up in Philly. I of course, call bull-shit on that. I had a lot more money available to me up there, and I was paid weekly at that, furthermore, my bills haven't gone up /that/ much since then. Its all a load of crap. I need more money so I can buy a bed. I hate sleeping on the ground, on a mattress, like some crack-addict. It really sucks.

On top of all that, I'm really disappointed by my Father. He called on my birthday, but I keep giving him hints on how I could use some help with getting a bed, and nothing comes of it. Not even for my birthday. It makes me sick, actually.

Take a Deep Breath, and Be: Part Deux

2007-07-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

I sometimes get so wrapped up in the moment of trying to get by I forget to breath. I don't mean I need to remember- its autonomic, the breathing, that is. But, I forget to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not about to implode. That I'll be okay, because something greater then myself seems to be looking out for me and guiding me towards a greater tomorrow. The world was after all, created for me to love and enjoy. Every experience tailored just so I can be happy, and grow, and learn. I'm but a single entity in a mass of consciousness, a part of a great collective experience... At least, I think I am.

Can't really be sure of anything in life. You can't make assumptions because that damn cat may not be dead the next time you look in the box. Hey, Schroedinger, why /did/ you send me a cat in a box anyways?

I just realized I finished a post that I finished before, thus having the same first paragraph. Oops. Fun!

One Thousand Resplendent Suns

2007-07-23T01:54:00.000-04:00

Been a little while since I could find the energy to write again. Not as long as my last little halt, of about five years. I used to think I was a pretty decent fiction writer, I don't think I'm so good now. I thought about maybe doing chapters of stories here, because that be kinda neat- but still. It be tough.

On another note, I've had a pretty awesome weekend and general awesome time. I love my friends, and I'm really happy all of them are in my life. Now, 24 years old. Happy birthday me. It just makes me think I can really get all the further in my life. I'm still looking for a new job, having to write a whole list of things I've done for my Mother so she can help me come up with a Resume` Or something. Anywho, I've got work in the morning and should get to sleep. I /would/ have had the day off tomorrow- but I stupidly said I'd work. Well, more hours for me. Luckily, my logical mind was awake when I said yet. My other self would have been like 'Hehe. Fuck you.'

Disillusionment

2007-07-14T00:38:00.000-04:00

This has happened to me before. And it'll probably happen again. I'll get attached to something, and see myself doing well- or maybe even as a wanted contributor to the something in question. I will, of course, find myself wallowing in depression and disillusionment after a short time, just by watching all of those things I thought unraveled. Not too big a deal, I suppose.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this one. Its time to be lost, and find myself again. Its just a dark tunnel, when you can't see the light. But, I figure if I feel my way out, in the end, everything will work out. Also. I like commas.

Take a Deep Breath and Be

2007-07-09T22:59:00.001-04:00

I sometimes get so wrapped up in the moment of trying to get by I forget to breath. I don't mean I need to remember- its autonomic, the breathing, that is. But, I forget to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not about to implode. That I'll be okay, because something greater then myself seems to be looking out for me and guiding me towards a greater tomorrow. The world was after all, created for me to love and enjoy. Every experience tailored just so I can be happy, and grow, and learn. I'm but a single entity in a mass of consciousness, a part of a great collective experience... At least, I think I am.

Nothing is an Absolute Truth. I'm not sure there is such a thing as Absolute Truth. There is, however, just Truth. And the Truth I know is that I've experienced everything anyone else has experienced, diluted a million times as it ripples out over the waves of humanity and rests on me. Their nightmares are what makes me drive through the 'dangerous' part of town....

Just Take a Deep Breath and Be.

Independence?

2007-07-05T01:41:00.000-04:00

Its funny. I can't help but think about Kahlil Gibran's the Prophet on a day like today. I reread the poem on Freedom. I look at how my life is and wonder if I'm free. No. Not really. But, that kind of freedom can be hard to take- to keep. And here the Government is, screaming that its protecting my rights when it goes and takes them away. And not a single person does a thing about it, on the level that could help. Its sad, but America is become more and more like the old Soviet Union, or like England when ruled by a tyrant king. Its very obvious our leaders think they are immune to justice, particularly the President and Vice-President. Its a sad thing. It really makes me unhappy- and makes me wonder if I'd not be happier living somewhere else. Maybe Canada.

Why Canada? Because Canada is really quite awesome. Socialized healthcare, largely decriminalized Marijuana, and I've liked most Canadians I've had the pleasure of meeting. Also, I like that Unions are strong up thata ways. I need some Change though- its becoming obvious that I won't be getting what I need to survive. I'll have to cut off contacts with my current job, and look for a new one (Though in the opposite order.) I can't survive on 8$ per hour. I don't think anyone really can. Funny thing is, I won't even be able to get welfare or any of those social services. My best hope would be to be fired, and collect unemployment. That be pretty killer, I could go to school for a little while and still have an income. A /weekly/ income. Pretty stellar if you ask me. Get me back on my feet, with a little extra cash in my pocket.

I hate the feeling that I'm floundering, that I'm going no where. That I'm begining to slide backwards into something or somewhere bad. I feel trapped, and I'm not sure there's a lot of help for me- its like a belt tightening around your chest making it harder and harder to breath. And this is freedom? But, there are people who are worse off. And who bravely face each day to try and make something better of themselves. I need to be like /those/ patriots. The ones who sweat for this country, the people who toil away in faceless jobs. Those 'working class heroes'.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I had some more cash. I need to not eat out, I could save some then. A bed would be nice too. I've got a very 'crack-addict' esque bed setup going on, with a mattress and a sheet on the floor. Little twin thing is annoying, and uncomfortable. But, that doesn't really matter. Its time for bed, and I'm going to sleep in a little tomorrow- but not to much. Work at 10am.

Happy Independence Day, America.

The Darkness is Indeed a Cold and Lonely Place

2007-07-02T01:45:00.000-04:00

I sit alone in this place, and look around. Hands are so close, I could reach out and grab one and pull myself out with the help of those around me- but I'm stubborn. I want to get there on my own, this time. No more help from the people around me. But, that might mean I need to tell a few people who've been kind to me that I'm looking out just for me. That I need to protect the investment I've put forth in myself. I can't afford to go backwards, now. Not with my responsibilities. No, rather, I need to forge forward and begin to save for myself. For my future. It'll take a lot of self-control, and I'm not sure- honestly, that I have all of it. I can only hope I do.

I also, as an after thought, hope it wouldn't hurt those around me as I try again to make my way- and stumble out of the dark, into a warm and pleasant place.

Other Side of the Coin

2007-06-26T20:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my path will cross with another traveler. And for a while, we'll walk together. And as we walk, we'll talk. He'll tell me of the path he's taken. The dark places. The times he walked paved roads, and the times he crawled jagged mountains. And I'll remember my own path, through places similar.

But there is differences. To him, where we walk- a path through both light and shadow- is frightening. And that fear owns him. I find it exciting and my excitement is from my fear of the unknown. Tempered with my curiosity, I stride forward and hopefully, he will follow. And yet, I learn more of myself. Wait for the shadows to clear and follow the lead of the more cautious man- and it is good.

Night on the Town

2007-06-22T00:29:00.000-04:00

I'm not very good with girls. I'm getting mixed signals from the one I've been hanging out with a lot recently. She says that she doesn't want a relationship- but calls me in the middle of the day to complain about work. Sometimes, its very difficult to tell what people really want you to do. Despite my friendly demeanor, I'm in fact a very socially anxious person. I hate going out, but force myself to do it because I know I have fun when I'm with people. I have a lot of fun when I go out with this girl I've been hanging out with. She invited me out tonight, and Friday also. I suppose I'll go out again- I just need to clean out my car so I can get someone else in there. Its embarrassing, the state of my car. When I get home tomorrow- or maybe I should wake up early.

Anyways, back to the point: I'm not good with girls. I'm not a social leper by any stretch, rather I'm pretty good with girls in general- as friends. But I've only had one real sexual relationship, and a handful of make-out sessions. I honestly don't think of sex when I talk to most girls, or boys. Its not that I'm not attracted to them, its just like there's more interesting things going on right now- namely, I'm getting to know my friend and getting lost inside them for a while. Its funny, because I have great relationships with those girls I loved in the past, and I tend to be unfulfilled by the ones I want to have relationships with. I guess I'm just too nice. Kinda Sucks, really.

I just realized this is the second 'I'm lonely' post in recent. Suppose I need to find me a girl.

Lack of Dedication

2007-06-19T00:15:00.000-04:00

I tend to be a pretty easy guy to get along with. Indeed, I'd like to think I'm very nice, honest and not a social leper of any kind. And yet, there's one thing that /really/ pisses me off. That thing, as you might have guessed from the title is a lack of dedication.

Something my Mother has really shown me through my life is that you should be proud of what you do. She didn't add any more to the statement, and as a result here I am with my own idea of being proud. Now, normally, to me this means that I do something correctly and to the best of my ability- that I give 100%. As a result of that, I tend to throw myself fully into work: So that I can be proud of my accomplishment. I love that I'm seeing real, physical proof that my working hard in my job is paying off. Not just from my superiors seeing- but the fact that my co-workers are suddenly not quite so shiny when I work next to them. They go off into the store and do what ever it is that they do- I've always assumed it involved them saving someone's life. Because I really can't imagine taking a shit should take an hour. Nor should walking the twenty feet from the cleaning project you're working on to the counter to answer a phone. On another note, I can't talk to more than one person at a time. Imagine that.

But, of everything there, its the fact that my coworkers don't give a damn about this job, about the department- about anything involved with our work in general. Its depressing to know they're paid more than I, do less work, and have less dedication. All the while, I'm struggling to make ends meet. However, I've always believed in Karma. Its worked for me. Sure, Its not perfect Karma to bitch about stuff, but I'll keep trying my damnedest to not act like they do. Its hard for me though to not insult them. They show up when they want. Leave when they want- and I don't even get consecutive days off. Which I realize isn't that abnormal for a job, but I'd love to get Sunday and Monday off. It just be relaxing. End Rant.

All of it reminds me of another thing my mother's said:
"You'll learn something from everyone you meet, and sometimes you learn how not to be."

Surprising myself

2007-06-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

When I started this thing, I told myself I'd update it probably once a week. I don't tend to be very good at keeping up with things like forums and blogs. Those things that need me to check it every day- my attention span is just too short. And here I am. One week in, and one week of posts. Surprising to me, at least. I'm proud of myself for this small thing. And its those small things, I think you need to be proud about.

I'm proud that I've not called out from work sick, when I wasn't sick- despite my wanting to do so on a number of occasions. I'm proud that I've paid my rent for two and a half months and not been late. I'm proud that despite having only like 10 dollars in my bank account, I'll be able to live for the next week without too much issue. And I think I'm most proud of just getting up in the morning and smiling and being happy that a new day is coming- and that I'll approach it with a happy grin.

And again I surprise myself when I get there, and I'm nice to people who sometimes I dislike. Tomorrow, a new person will be starting as a driver. A woman- and I'm not sure exactly what to think about all that. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. But my manager isn't sure he wants to work with a woman in our particular line of work- I could understand that. Personally, I don't think we do enough business to really hire another driver. We only have one truck, and five drivers now. How does that work, financially?

Light Show

2007-06-16T23:34:00.000-04:00

While driving home from a friend's house tonight, I went through a particularly dark bit of road. No lights, no other cars, nothing. Just me and an all enveloping darkness. And I noticed the play of light on dark was actually rather soft and welcoming. Like that darkness was warm, and soft- like a heavy velvet blanket. It was rather beautiful. I particularly liked as another vehicle approached from opposite myself to open up that blanket of inviting and dark warmth in the same manner a child burrowing though a blanket might. Enveloped in light the car drove past, and in my rear-view mirror the effect was only increased. It couldn't have been any more effective to drive through ink. And all I could think was how very comfortable I was, on the edge of that darkness.

Aether, Light, Dreams, Dust....

2007-06-16T00:06:00.000-04:00

In solitude it sometimes feels I am most at one with everyone. When no one knows I'm watching or listening. That solitude inside a crowd. Try it sometime, just watch people. Sit down at the mall- and look into a store, and watch people's faces as they think. Sure- a lot of them are thinking about whatever it is they're shopping for. But just as often they're going through this kind of James Joyce style run through of things going on in their lives. They start with the immediate and go onto the esoteric worries and joys of their lives and it all shows on the face. And the most surprising thing about everyone I've watched: There are a startling number of horribly lonely people who ache for a single loving hand to reach out and touch them. For just a moment, even. To let them know they're loved by another human being.

Maybe that's all I wanted to say really, to everyone. That I love you. Its important for you to know that even though I can't help you with money, I might be able to just give you support, at least in text form for the moment. It reminds me of a song, actually, One of my favorite. Death Cab For Cutie's 'Someday You will be Loved'. Now, despite the fact that the narrator of the song does something horrible, with his one-night stand kind thing. Still, I know its true: You'll be loved like you never have known.

Its funny that a song about hurting someone would make me think of that, I suppose. But, again it does seem the ultimate aim of that song is to soften a blow- and to tell a truth, to me at least. Let it be today. I'll love you. Not romantically, just the love of one being to another.

This post has become oddly Joycean itself. Again, appropriate given the theme. But, I do know there's one kind of Love I know I haven't felt yet. But I want to. So badly. The kind of love that wraps you up, and holds you so close and when you think you've gotten as high as you can- it kills a part of you. And, as you wake up- feeling hurt, you realize that even though a part of you died, something else took its place. Something from the person you love and that now, they'll always be part of you- forever. That's the kind of love I want.

Any takers?

No worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing....

2007-06-13T20:41:00.000-04:00

I'd been worrying about money recently. I don't make much. I take home, after taxes, less than $12k a year. This puts me below the poverty line. Sad, I guess. And yet, I've always felt that no matter what everything will turn out good for me in the end. That even the things which seem horrible at first, always lead to something good. I honestly believe that to be true.

Why though, would I think that? I've not been happy with my job as of recent. The hours aren't the best, and it feels like I'm struggling against overwhelming odds. And, in all reality, I am. I work in a commercial sales department for a large automotive part chain. This particular department as been 'rebuilt' four times. That means that the people I'm trying to sell parts to have been burnt four times over. And now- they're shying away from the stove. No one wants to be burnt that often, after all. As a result, my manager and I are having a hell of a time rebuilding business. But, over the last few days things have really been turning around. My manager spoke to me about my hours, and seemed to be talking about me getting a raise, or at least full time work. Which is good. Particularly given the concerns raised in paragraph one.

It only adds to a long list of things that have come up my way, just by accepting that sometimes shit happens, and the best thing to do is act cool-headed and just travel through it. I got stuck in Israel for six months. I loved it, despite the fact my journey there had been extended a full 180 days or so. I can't forget the people I met, an certainly wish to keep in contact with a few of them- though it might be a bit hard, considering I lost my paper with all their names and email addys on it. Still, I love them and wish them the best. That was a lot of fun, and all because something seemingly negative happened to me. I still wish I could go back to the Kibbutz. I may do so, seeing as I'm not real happy with how things are going in the states- but, Canada looks pretty friendly, and most of the Canadians I've met are awesome- and I do love hockey.

But, I digress.

It'll be /all/ right.

A Day Alone

2007-06-12T19:55:00.000-04:00

After spending a day off in my apartment, alone and only online, watching TV and such... I've decided I'm rather unhappy with my physical self. Its not a secret that I'm among some of the more rotund Americans that seem to be featured in the news every week or so, normally on whatever slow-news day they've got going on. I don't consider myself morbidly obese, not yet anyways. But, I do need to loose that weight. And it has so many benefits, but first I need to stop putting stuff in my mouth.

Eating is my habit. Its one of my lusts, and one of the things I love most. But, I over eat- chronically. Partially its from the fact my father did it, I think- though in the end it really comes down to boredom and loneliness. When all I'm doing is sitting, watching TV I get bored- and put things in my mouth. Things that taste good are better than things that don't. But, today I need to make a resolution to myself for a few reasons:

1) My Eating habit has grown expensive. I can't afford to eat out ever meal like I have.

2) The food I eat out is bad for me. Fast Food isn't good for you at the rate I've been eating it at, namely every day.

3)I'm unhappy with the way I look. And the way I feel. While I've got a lot of self-esteem (I think) There's still things I'm unhappy about myself. This is one of the big ones.

4)I don't want to lack behind my physical development with my spiritual or mental development, indeed I do believe the reason I'm so unhappy with myself is the rest of me has gone on to better things, and left my physical self back to when I was on medication and eating just to feel something. I need to break those habits.

Just as I really got those things into my head, I got a few other things: How can I change my habits. I decided to not change them totally. I'll still eat when I'm bored, but I'll eat carrots instead of cookies. For lunch, I'll come home and eat here. I've got Tuna fish, and bread and salad and fruit. And I love all those things, why am I not eating them? Laziness mostly. But now, I'm going to do better, I think. Or at least try. Maybe I should post a before picture, and in a few months get you an After Picture. Thoughts on that?

Things I've found, Things I've bought

2007-06-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

As I've journeyed I've picked up two kinds of things. Things I've found and things I had to buy. I've noticed, those things found are always more special to me- like gifts given, or just a piece of glass on a Mediterranean beach. The lumps of salt I found on the edge of the Dead Sea. Each has some emotional content that the pants I bought the other day don't. Not to say pants aren't awesome, in their own bifurcated way.

It brought up the thought, though: Does money buy happiness? I'm not so sure it does. Certainly it helps me forget an unhappiness for a while, but an unhappiness forgotten still exists. Just because I ignore the wound in my foot, doesn't mean I won't walk with a limp. However, I've noticed that when I spend my money on others something magic happens. It buys happiness. I'm happy to give someone something, to see the joy as they get that first kind of thing- a Found thing. And I get happiness. Curious, really.

The Start of the Path

2007-06-11T00:41:00.001-04:00

So, I ask myself when did I start to walk my path to the spirit, a path to myself. As I think, I realize it happened sometime when I was 17, which is five or six years ago from the current date. That was the year I was struck by a horrible, suicidal depression. I died, I think- or at least entered a kind of caterpillar cum butterfly state of metamorphosis. Only five years later am I really able to think about it with a clear mind. To see where I went with that 20/20 hindsight stuff everyone's always talking about.

But, tonight, I realized I was walking a Path to Myself. A path to my soul, and a path to a higher state of being. I don't mean to transcend mortality, or to become some holy figure, but rather to become so intensely happy with myself and the world as to let nothing else bother or effect me in a negative way. To float through the world realizing that in a way, the world was created for my enjoyment- accident or not. Some might say, "Dave, Don't you think walking around saying the world revolves around you will raise eyebrows?" To that I answer yes. Particularly when I go on to explain that I'm pretty sure the world revolves around you too, at the same time. Its not the same world, you and I live in. They're different, subtly. I don't experience what you experience- so we must be in different worlds, otherwise I'd know exactly what you were going though all the time. Now, the physical location of where the world revolves around me, the Earth, doesn't actually mark its years by a pass of my belly button. But the point is that just because I know something, doesn't mean I can't believe something else. Belief and knowledge have never really seen eye to eye anyways, why try and force it now?

So, here I am- the first step on a new journey where I share my perspective on my Path to Myself with the rest of the world, I can only hope our paths cross.