I'm special in the fact I can remember the exact moment my life turned around and went to crap. It happened quickly, depression setting in like a train wreck to slaughter the unsuspecting cows of my consciousness. It was a mess, beef was everywhere. And its taken years to clean up. I'm 24 now, and I was 17 then. Six years, over half a decade to rebuild to where I am now- and I'm not sure I'm at the same level of ability now that I was then.
You know, I'm not honestly sure where I was going with this- but I do know that I'm happy with who I am now. That's a victory, certainly.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Life in the Third Person
I didn't think I'd be where I am. As I look back and reflect on things, I wonder where I went wrong or right. When I was very young- I never even thought of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to do everything. As I grew older, I wanted to do the whole 'Fireman/Doctor/Laser Technician/lawyer thing.' I wanted to be all of that and more.
I got older though. I remember when I started high school- I wanted to be a performer. A singer. I even went to a high-school I had to audition for. Tried out, and made it, and became a vocal artist. I've performed in some of the same places as The Three Tenors. I used to sing- and was part of a great choir. Had a great teacher, David Norris. A good man, who was always an advocate for me- I think he really understood me in a lot of ways. I'm a better person for having him as a teacher. Then, came seventeen.
Seventeen. It was a hard year for me- it was not, however, my worse year. It was, however, the year I spent dead. I was dead, in hospitals. Spirit of dust and ashes. I still feel dead from this, and I'm not sure I'll ever feel the way I felt before I got so depressed. I tried to tell myself it was hormones and all in my brain- but I'm to spiritual to not think a part of me died.
Dead, my Self. Self, all gone- how can one live without Self. I somehow, did it- and through that time I wanted to do nothing. I was a zombie for years. I still find myself falling into those places sometimes, to places of dark shadows.
Those Shadow places are impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been dead, spiritually. It was my life, but I was two steps to the left- watching it. Impassive. Life in the Third Person. Medicine made that worse. I would watch myself walk through life. Doing all the motions and getting little joy. Even now, its so hard for me to even write about things. It gives me a head-ache. Like I'm dealing with something dark. I used to be able to write such beautiful things, too.
I can't sleep. I just think. All the time, all the world's complications pouring through my head. Will she like me tomorrow, will I find someone for me? Work. Ugh, Work. Friends, Family, Bills, Money- depression. The Ghosts of happiness mocking me as I escape into a world of my head. Dungeons and Dragons, Mushing. All worlds I create in myself. I spend hours, every day, doing that. And I wonder if its getting to be a problem.
Back to the point: At 24, I didn't think I'd have my own apartment- I thought I might be getting out of school, with my PHD. I need some ideas for school: What do you think I should do, anyways?
I got older though. I remember when I started high school- I wanted to be a performer. A singer. I even went to a high-school I had to audition for. Tried out, and made it, and became a vocal artist. I've performed in some of the same places as The Three Tenors. I used to sing- and was part of a great choir. Had a great teacher, David Norris. A good man, who was always an advocate for me- I think he really understood me in a lot of ways. I'm a better person for having him as a teacher. Then, came seventeen.
Seventeen. It was a hard year for me- it was not, however, my worse year. It was, however, the year I spent dead. I was dead, in hospitals. Spirit of dust and ashes. I still feel dead from this, and I'm not sure I'll ever feel the way I felt before I got so depressed. I tried to tell myself it was hormones and all in my brain- but I'm to spiritual to not think a part of me died.
Dead, my Self. Self, all gone- how can one live without Self. I somehow, did it- and through that time I wanted to do nothing. I was a zombie for years. I still find myself falling into those places sometimes, to places of dark shadows.
Those Shadow places are impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been dead, spiritually. It was my life, but I was two steps to the left- watching it. Impassive. Life in the Third Person. Medicine made that worse. I would watch myself walk through life. Doing all the motions and getting little joy. Even now, its so hard for me to even write about things. It gives me a head-ache. Like I'm dealing with something dark. I used to be able to write such beautiful things, too.
I can't sleep. I just think. All the time, all the world's complications pouring through my head. Will she like me tomorrow, will I find someone for me? Work. Ugh, Work. Friends, Family, Bills, Money- depression. The Ghosts of happiness mocking me as I escape into a world of my head. Dungeons and Dragons, Mushing. All worlds I create in myself. I spend hours, every day, doing that. And I wonder if its getting to be a problem.
Back to the point: At 24, I didn't think I'd have my own apartment- I thought I might be getting out of school, with my PHD. I need some ideas for school: What do you think I should do, anyways?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
What More to Say?
Sometimes my soul shivers in the cold light that shines down from the fixtures of my place of work. The shadows are almost non-existent. Like some weird, over-scienced place that's only half thought out. I wish I could wear a hat all day, to guard my eyes from that so-dark-light. To forget the world, and know only parting for a half moment. I want to collapse. And lie in two arms, soft and loving. A mother, a brother, a sister or a lover.
I'm not sure I'll heal from this. I'm not going to change my mind, and I think I'll feel better in the sunlight. I hope no one stops me, if I want to go and improve myself. To collapse, and lie in two arms. Two arms, soft and loving. Warm, their embrace- taking me from such a dark place to lay in the sun.
In the sun, I can only feel warmth- even when the air is cold around me. I see the light, and feel it deep behind my eyes. Could I look at the sun and know peace, I would- even if blindness would be my price. And still, I want to collapse.
I'm not sure I'll heal from this. I'm not going to change my mind, and I think I'll feel better in the sunlight. I hope no one stops me, if I want to go and improve myself. To collapse, and lie in two arms. Two arms, soft and loving. Warm, their embrace- taking me from such a dark place to lay in the sun.
In the sun, I can only feel warmth- even when the air is cold around me. I see the light, and feel it deep behind my eyes. Could I look at the sun and know peace, I would- even if blindness would be my price. And still, I want to collapse.
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