A Theft of Spirit

There is no crime worse than the theft of spirit. And I feel like that is happening to me over where I work. I work really hard, and invest a lot of time and energy into something that has given me nothing back. No chance for a raise. No chance for advancement. Promises given by someone who can't really do much about things. And...it kills me inside. Do I continue, because I enjoy the people I work with, I enjoy the atmosphere. At the same time, I wish people would just leave me alone and let me get done what I need to get done.

In a way, I was lied to about the job. The job was for a 'driver'. I do very little actual driving. I spend a lot more time on the sales floor, being a salesperson. I do not make commission. I make 8$ an hour, and someone tries to tell me that is like making 13$ an hour up in Philly. I of course, call bull-shit on that. I had a lot more money available to me up there, and I was paid weekly at that, furthermore, my bills haven't gone up /that/ much since then. Its all a load of crap. I need more money so I can buy a bed. I hate sleeping on the ground, on a mattress, like some crack-addict. It really sucks.

On top of all that, I'm really disappointed by my Father. He called on my birthday, but I keep giving him hints on how I could use some help with getting a bed, and nothing comes of it. Not even for my birthday. It makes me sick, actually.

Take a Deep Breath, and Be: Part Deux

I sometimes get so wrapped up in the moment of trying to get by I forget to breath. I don't mean I need to remember- its autonomic, the breathing, that is. But, I forget to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not about to implode. That I'll be okay, because something greater then myself seems to be looking out for me and guiding me towards a greater tomorrow. The world was after all, created for me to love and enjoy. Every experience tailored just so I can be happy, and grow, and learn. I'm but a single entity in a mass of consciousness, a part of a great collective experience... At least, I think I am.

Can't really be sure of anything in life. You can't make assumptions because that damn cat may not be dead the next time you look in the box. Hey, Schroedinger, why /did/ you send me a cat in a box anyways?

I just realized I finished a post that I finished before, thus having the same first paragraph. Oops. Fun!

One Thousand Resplendent Suns

Been a little while since I could find the energy to write again. Not as long as my last little halt, of about five years. I used to think I was a pretty decent fiction writer, I don't think I'm so good now. I thought about maybe doing chapters of stories here, because that be kinda neat- but still. It be tough.

On another note, I've had a pretty awesome weekend and general awesome time. I love my friends, and I'm really happy all of them are in my life. Now, 24 years old. Happy birthday me. It just makes me think I can really get all the further in my life. I'm still looking for a new job, having to write a whole list of things I've done for my Mother so she can help me come up with a Resume` Or something. Anywho, I've got work in the morning and should get to sleep. I /would/ have had the day off tomorrow- but I stupidly said I'd work. Well, more hours for me. Luckily, my logical mind was awake when I said yet. My other self would have been like 'Hehe. Fuck you.'

Disillusionment

This has happened to me before. And it'll probably happen again. I'll get attached to something, and see myself doing well- or maybe even as a wanted contributor to the something in question. I will, of course, find myself wallowing in depression and disillusionment after a short time, just by watching all of those things I thought unraveled. Not too big a deal, I suppose.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this one. Its time to be lost, and find myself again. Its just a dark tunnel, when you can't see the light. But, I figure if I feel my way out, in the end, everything will work out. Also. I like commas.

Take a Deep Breath and Be

I sometimes get so wrapped up in the moment of trying to get by I forget to breath. I don't mean I need to remember- its autonomic, the breathing, that is. But, I forget to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not about to implode. That I'll be okay, because something greater then myself seems to be looking out for me and guiding me towards a greater tomorrow. The world was after all, created for me to love and enjoy. Every experience tailored just so I can be happy, and grow, and learn. I'm but a single entity in a mass of consciousness, a part of a great collective experience... At least, I think I am.

Nothing is an Absolute Truth. I'm not sure there is such a thing as Absolute Truth. There is, however, just Truth. And the Truth I know is that I've experienced everything anyone else has experienced, diluted a million times as it ripples out over the waves of humanity and rests on me. Their nightmares are what makes me drive through the 'dangerous' part of town....

Just Take a Deep Breath and Be.

Independence?

Its funny. I can't help but think about Kahlil Gibran's the Prophet on a day like today. I reread the poem on Freedom. I look at how my life is and wonder if I'm free. No. Not really. But, that kind of freedom can be hard to take- to keep. And here the Government is, screaming that its protecting my rights when it goes and takes them away. And not a single person does a thing about it, on the level that could help. Its sad, but America is become more and more like the old Soviet Union, or like England when ruled by a tyrant king. Its very obvious our leaders think they are immune to justice, particularly the President and Vice-President. Its a sad thing. It really makes me unhappy- and makes me wonder if I'd not be happier living somewhere else. Maybe Canada.

Why Canada? Because Canada is really quite awesome. Socialized healthcare, largely decriminalized Marijuana, and I've liked most Canadians I've had the pleasure of meeting. Also, I like that Unions are strong up thata ways. I need some Change though- its becoming obvious that I won't be getting what I need to survive. I'll have to cut off contacts with my current job, and look for a new one (Though in the opposite order.) I can't survive on 8$ per hour. I don't think anyone really can. Funny thing is, I won't even be able to get welfare or any of those social services. My best hope would be to be fired, and collect unemployment. That be pretty killer, I could go to school for a little while and still have an income. A /weekly/ income. Pretty stellar if you ask me. Get me back on my feet, with a little extra cash in my pocket.

I hate the feeling that I'm floundering, that I'm going no where. That I'm begining to slide backwards into something or somewhere bad. I feel trapped, and I'm not sure there's a lot of help for me- its like a belt tightening around your chest making it harder and harder to breath. And this is freedom? But, there are people who are worse off. And who bravely face each day to try and make something better of themselves. I need to be like /those/ patriots. The ones who sweat for this country, the people who toil away in faceless jobs. Those 'working class heroes'.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I had some more cash. I need to not eat out, I could save some then. A bed would be nice too. I've got a very 'crack-addict' esque bed setup going on, with a mattress and a sheet on the floor. Little twin thing is annoying, and uncomfortable. But, that doesn't really matter. Its time for bed, and I'm going to sleep in a little tomorrow- but not to much. Work at 10am.

Happy Independence Day, America.

The Darkness is Indeed a Cold and Lonely Place

I sit alone in this place, and look around. Hands are so close, I could reach out and grab one and pull myself out with the help of those around me- but I'm stubborn. I want to get there on my own, this time. No more help from the people around me. But, that might mean I need to tell a few people who've been kind to me that I'm looking out just for me. That I need to protect the investment I've put forth in myself. I can't afford to go backwards, now. Not with my responsibilities. No, rather, I need to forge forward and begin to save for myself. For my future. It'll take a lot of self-control, and I'm not sure- honestly, that I have all of it. I can only hope I do.

I also, as an after thought, hope it wouldn't hurt those around me as I try again to make my way- and stumble out of the dark, into a warm and pleasant place.