Other Side of the Coin

Sometimes my path will cross with another traveler. And for a while, we'll walk together. And as we walk, we'll talk. He'll tell me of the path he's taken. The dark places. The times he walked paved roads, and the times he crawled jagged mountains. And I'll remember my own path, through places similar.

But there is differences. To him, where we walk- a path through both light and shadow- is frightening. And that fear owns him. I find it exciting and my excitement is from my fear of the unknown. Tempered with my curiosity, I stride forward and hopefully, he will follow. And yet, I learn more of myself. Wait for the shadows to clear and follow the lead of the more cautious man- and it is good.

Night on the Town

I'm not very good with girls. I'm getting mixed signals from the one I've been hanging out with a lot recently. She says that she doesn't want a relationship- but calls me in the middle of the day to complain about work. Sometimes, its very difficult to tell what people really want you to do. Despite my friendly demeanor, I'm in fact a very socially anxious person. I hate going out, but force myself to do it because I know I have fun when I'm with people. I have a lot of fun when I go out with this girl I've been hanging out with. She invited me out tonight, and Friday also. I suppose I'll go out again- I just need to clean out my car so I can get someone else in there. Its embarrassing, the state of my car. When I get home tomorrow- or maybe I should wake up early.

Anyways, back to the point: I'm not good with girls. I'm not a social leper by any stretch, rather I'm pretty good with girls in general- as friends. But I've only had one real sexual relationship, and a handful of make-out sessions. I honestly don't think of sex when I talk to most girls, or boys. Its not that I'm not attracted to them, its just like there's more interesting things going on right now- namely, I'm getting to know my friend and getting lost inside them for a while. Its funny, because I have great relationships with those girls I loved in the past, and I tend to be unfulfilled by the ones I want to have relationships with. I guess I'm just too nice. Kinda Sucks, really.

I just realized this is the second 'I'm lonely' post in recent. Suppose I need to find me a girl.

Lack of Dedication

I tend to be a pretty easy guy to get along with. Indeed, I'd like to think I'm very nice, honest and not a social leper of any kind. And yet, there's one thing that /really/ pisses me off. That thing, as you might have guessed from the title is a lack of dedication.

Something my Mother has really shown me through my life is that you should be proud of what you do. She didn't add any more to the statement, and as a result here I am with my own idea of being proud. Now, normally, to me this means that I do something correctly and to the best of my ability- that I give 100%. As a result of that, I tend to throw myself fully into work: So that I can be proud of my accomplishment. I love that I'm seeing real, physical proof that my working hard in my job is paying off. Not just from my superiors seeing- but the fact that my co-workers are suddenly not quite so shiny when I work next to them. They go off into the store and do what ever it is that they do- I've always assumed it involved them saving someone's life. Because I really can't imagine taking a shit should take an hour. Nor should walking the twenty feet from the cleaning project you're working on to the counter to answer a phone. On another note, I can't talk to more than one person at a time. Imagine that.

But, of everything there, its the fact that my coworkers don't give a damn about this job, about the department- about anything involved with our work in general. Its depressing to know they're paid more than I, do less work, and have less dedication. All the while, I'm struggling to make ends meet. However, I've always believed in Karma. Its worked for me. Sure, Its not perfect Karma to bitch about stuff, but I'll keep trying my damnedest to not act like they do. Its hard for me though to not insult them. They show up when they want. Leave when they want- and I don't even get consecutive days off. Which I realize isn't that abnormal for a job, but I'd love to get Sunday and Monday off. It just be relaxing. End Rant.

All of it reminds me of another thing my mother's said:
"You'll learn something from everyone you meet, and sometimes you learn how not to be."

Surprising myself

When I started this thing, I told myself I'd update it probably once a week. I don't tend to be very good at keeping up with things like forums and blogs. Those things that need me to check it every day- my attention span is just too short. And here I am. One week in, and one week of posts. Surprising to me, at least. I'm proud of myself for this small thing. And its those small things, I think you need to be proud about.

I'm proud that I've not called out from work sick, when I wasn't sick- despite my wanting to do so on a number of occasions. I'm proud that I've paid my rent for two and a half months and not been late. I'm proud that despite having only like 10 dollars in my bank account, I'll be able to live for the next week without too much issue. And I think I'm most proud of just getting up in the morning and smiling and being happy that a new day is coming- and that I'll approach it with a happy grin.

And again I surprise myself when I get there, and I'm nice to people who sometimes I dislike. Tomorrow, a new person will be starting as a driver. A woman- and I'm not sure exactly what to think about all that. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. But my manager isn't sure he wants to work with a woman in our particular line of work- I could understand that. Personally, I don't think we do enough business to really hire another driver. We only have one truck, and five drivers now. How does that work, financially?

Light Show

While driving home from a friend's house tonight, I went through a particularly dark bit of road. No lights, no other cars, nothing. Just me and an all enveloping darkness. And I noticed the play of light on dark was actually rather soft and welcoming. Like that darkness was warm, and soft- like a heavy velvet blanket. It was rather beautiful. I particularly liked as another vehicle approached from opposite myself to open up that blanket of inviting and dark warmth in the same manner a child burrowing though a blanket might. Enveloped in light the car drove past, and in my rear-view mirror the effect was only increased. It couldn't have been any more effective to drive through ink. And all I could think was how very comfortable I was, on the edge of that darkness.

Aether, Light, Dreams, Dust....

In solitude it sometimes feels I am most at one with everyone. When no one knows I'm watching or listening. That solitude inside a crowd. Try it sometime, just watch people. Sit down at the mall- and look into a store, and watch people's faces as they think. Sure- a lot of them are thinking about whatever it is they're shopping for. But just as often they're going through this kind of James Joyce style run through of things going on in their lives. They start with the immediate and go onto the esoteric worries and joys of their lives and it all shows on the face. And the most surprising thing about everyone I've watched: There are a startling number of horribly lonely people who ache for a single loving hand to reach out and touch them. For just a moment, even. To let them know they're loved by another human being.

Maybe that's all I wanted to say really, to everyone. That I love you. Its important for you to know that even though I can't help you with money, I might be able to just give you support, at least in text form for the moment. It reminds me of a song, actually, One of my favorite. Death Cab For Cutie's 'Someday You will be Loved'. Now, despite the fact that the narrator of the song does something horrible, with his one-night stand kind thing. Still, I know its true: You'll be loved like you never have known.

Its funny that a song about hurting someone would make me think of that, I suppose. But, again it does seem the ultimate aim of that song is to soften a blow- and to tell a truth, to me at least. Let it be today. I'll love you. Not romantically, just the love of one being to another.

This post has become oddly Joycean itself. Again, appropriate given the theme. But, I do know there's one kind of Love I know I haven't felt yet. But I want to. So badly. The kind of love that wraps you up, and holds you so close and when you think you've gotten as high as you can- it kills a part of you. And, as you wake up- feeling hurt, you realize that even though a part of you died, something else took its place. Something from the person you love and that now, they'll always be part of you- forever. That's the kind of love I want.

Any takers?

No worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing....

I'd been worrying about money recently. I don't make much. I take home, after taxes, less than $12k a year. This puts me below the poverty line. Sad, I guess. And yet, I've always felt that no matter what everything will turn out good for me in the end. That even the things which seem horrible at first, always lead to something good. I honestly believe that to be true.

Why though, would I think that? I've not been happy with my job as of recent. The hours aren't the best, and it feels like I'm struggling against overwhelming odds. And, in all reality, I am. I work in a commercial sales department for a large automotive part chain. This particular department as been 'rebuilt' four times. That means that the people I'm trying to sell parts to have been burnt four times over. And now- they're shying away from the stove. No one wants to be burnt that often, after all. As a result, my manager and I are having a hell of a time rebuilding business. But, over the last few days things have really been turning around. My manager spoke to me about my hours, and seemed to be talking about me getting a raise, or at least full time work. Which is good. Particularly given the concerns raised in paragraph one.

It only adds to a long list of things that have come up my way, just by accepting that sometimes shit happens, and the best thing to do is act cool-headed and just travel through it. I got stuck in Israel for six months. I loved it, despite the fact my journey there had been extended a full 180 days or so. I can't forget the people I met, an certainly wish to keep in contact with a few of them- though it might be a bit hard, considering I lost my paper with all their names and email addys on it. Still, I love them and wish them the best. That was a lot of fun, and all because something seemingly negative happened to me. I still wish I could go back to the Kibbutz. I may do so, seeing as I'm not real happy with how things are going in the states- but, Canada looks pretty friendly, and most of the Canadians I've met are awesome- and I do love hockey.

But, I digress.

It'll be /all/ right.

A Day Alone

After spending a day off in my apartment, alone and only online, watching TV and such... I've decided I'm rather unhappy with my physical self. Its not a secret that I'm among some of the more rotund Americans that seem to be featured in the news every week or so, normally on whatever slow-news day they've got going on. I don't consider myself morbidly obese, not yet anyways. But, I do need to loose that weight. And it has so many benefits, but first I need to stop putting stuff in my mouth.

Eating is my habit. Its one of my lusts, and one of the things I love most. But, I over eat- chronically. Partially its from the fact my father did it, I think- though in the end it really comes down to boredom and loneliness. When all I'm doing is sitting, watching TV I get bored- and put things in my mouth. Things that taste good are better than things that don't. But, today I need to make a resolution to myself for a few reasons:

1) My Eating habit has grown expensive. I can't afford to eat out ever meal like I have.

2) The food I eat out is bad for me. Fast Food isn't good for you at the rate I've been eating it at, namely every day.

3)I'm unhappy with the way I look. And the way I feel. While I've got a lot of self-esteem (I think) There's still things I'm unhappy about myself. This is one of the big ones.

4)I don't want to lack behind my physical development with my spiritual or mental development, indeed I do believe the reason I'm so unhappy with myself is the rest of me has gone on to better things, and left my physical self back to when I was on medication and eating just to feel something. I need to break those habits.

Just as I really got those things into my head, I got a few other things: How can I change my habits. I decided to not change them totally. I'll still eat when I'm bored, but I'll eat carrots instead of cookies. For lunch, I'll come home and eat here. I've got Tuna fish, and bread and salad and fruit. And I love all those things, why am I not eating them? Laziness mostly. But now, I'm going to do better, I think. Or at least try. Maybe I should post a before picture, and in a few months get you an After Picture. Thoughts on that?

Things I've found, Things I've bought

As I've journeyed I've picked up two kinds of things. Things I've found and things I had to buy. I've noticed, those things found are always more special to me- like gifts given, or just a piece of glass on a Mediterranean beach. The lumps of salt I found on the edge of the Dead Sea. Each has some emotional content that the pants I bought the other day don't. Not to say pants aren't awesome, in their own bifurcated way.

It brought up the thought, though: Does money buy happiness? I'm not so sure it does. Certainly it helps me forget an unhappiness for a while, but an unhappiness forgotten still exists. Just because I ignore the wound in my foot, doesn't mean I won't walk with a limp. However, I've noticed that when I spend my money on others something magic happens. It buys happiness. I'm happy to give someone something, to see the joy as they get that first kind of thing- a Found thing. And I get happiness. Curious, really.

The Start of the Path

So, I ask myself when did I start to walk my path to the spirit, a path to myself. As I think, I realize it happened sometime when I was 17, which is five or six years ago from the current date. That was the year I was struck by a horrible, suicidal depression. I died, I think- or at least entered a kind of caterpillar cum butterfly state of metamorphosis. Only five years later am I really able to think about it with a clear mind. To see where I went with that 20/20 hindsight stuff everyone's always talking about.

But, tonight, I realized I was walking a Path to Myself. A path to my soul, and a path to a higher state of being. I don't mean to transcend mortality, or to become some holy figure, but rather to become so intensely happy with myself and the world as to let nothing else bother or effect me in a negative way. To float through the world realizing that in a way, the world was created for my enjoyment- accident or not. Some might say, "Dave, Don't you think walking around saying the world revolves around you will raise eyebrows?" To that I answer yes. Particularly when I go on to explain that I'm pretty sure the world revolves around you too, at the same time. Its not the same world, you and I live in. They're different, subtly. I don't experience what you experience- so we must be in different worlds, otherwise I'd know exactly what you were going though all the time. Now, the physical location of where the world revolves around me, the Earth, doesn't actually mark its years by a pass of my belly button. But the point is that just because I know something, doesn't mean I can't believe something else. Belief and knowledge have never really seen eye to eye anyways, why try and force it now?

So, here I am- the first step on a new journey where I share my perspective on my Path to Myself with the rest of the world, I can only hope our paths cross.